New Workshop on November 12 for Expectant and Pre-Adoption Couples

Baby-Proof Your Relationship Workshop
(for Expectant and Pre-Adoption Parents)

Is the thought “We’re not prepared for this baby!” keeping you up at night?

In this workshop, you and your partner will create a toolbox to:

• Improve communication
• Resolve conflict
• Create a values-based schedule for post-baby life
• Set a strong foundation for a partnership that can weather the ups and downs of parenthood
• Gain confidence in your ability to parent as a team
• Know the warning signs of Postpartum Depression and other mood problems and where to go for help
• Access community resources to develop your vocation as parents

WHEN: Thursday, November 12, 7:00-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: Rainier House Meeting Room, 5270 Rainier Avenue South, Seattle 98118

COST: $40/Couple


For more information and to register, contact:

Shannon Armitage, MA, LMFT at Center for Life Transitions, LLC
www.lifetransitions.blogspot.com
206-356-5645
lifetransitions@gmail.com

Play’s the Thing: Inoculate yourself and your relationship against the stress of parenting

Doctors are fond of saying to patients, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” This same notion holds true for the health of family and couple relationships as well. Parenting is undoubtedly a rewarding and fulfilling endeavor, but it can also be a taxing and trying one—especially on a couple’s relationship. To help weather the ups and downs, couples would do well to take stock of the preventive methods they have at their disposal against parenting stress and burn-out.

Children innately know this idea that parents often have to re-learn: Every day should include time for play. Through play, one learns how to solve problems, cooperate, express creativity, and master new skills. Growth as individuals, couples, and families is predicated on constructive play. By following these three steps, couples will inoculate their relationship against the strains of parenthood.

1. Make time to be on your own
Spouses may want to choose a night that one can call her/his own. This “time off” is really “time on” to strengthen one’s sense of identity outside of the family, to engage in healthy activities, re-connect with friends, or simply decompress.

2. Make time to play as a family
Depending on the ages of the children, families can expect to find new and different ways of playing together as children grow. Parents of young children might enjoy outings to playgrounds, beaches, zoos or children’s museums. Sports events, video games, movies, hiking, or amusement parks are all fine ways of playing with older children. The key is to find activities everyone finds pleasant.

3. Make time to play as a couple
Couples often fall into the trap of thinking they need a babysitter to have a “date”. While a babysitter does make it easy to have time together as a couple, parents can also enjoy “stay-dates” by making time after the children are in bed to talk, massage each other’s shoulders, or listen to music that isn’t child-friendly. Parents would do well to check in with each other about how well they’re doing as individuals, a couple, and a family in ensuring everyone’s needs for separation and connection are being met.

Most parents recognize that their children’s job is to play. Making appointments to play alone, as a couple and as a family is harder to remember to do. Parents would do well, however, when scheduling their children’s play-dates to make sure their scheduling their own as well.

Postpartum Support International of Washington Celebrates 20 Years

Congratulations to PSI of WA for reaching its 20 year milestone. To celebrate, PSI of WA is hosting a luncheon on Wed. October 28 at the Hilton in Seattle. Dr. Shoshana Bennett, whose books I've cited in this blog, will be the keynote speaker. Bennett is the author of "Postpartum Depression For Dummies" and co-author (with Pec Indman) of "Beyond the Blues: Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression." Her latest book, "Pregnant on Prozac," was released in January. Click here for details and tickets.

When the Bully Rats are our "Friends"

I recently listened to an episode of "This American Life", where I learned that, on average, half of people's relationships are with friends whom we care a lot about, and yet, these relationships are rife with negativity and animosity. So why do we stay in these friendships? We stay for reasons we seemingly impose on ourselves: out of a sense of loyalty, belonging, or hope that the other person will change. We stay friends with "frenemies" because we think we must. We stay despite the feelings of anxiety, anger, and angst these relationships evoke.

Going back to my earlier post about "bully rats", I've been thinking about how to reduce the stress we experience within ourselves and within relationships. So what to do when our "bully rat" is a friend?

Here's a strategy for confronting what's unhealthy in the relationship: First, sit down with your friend and acknowledge what's good and healthy about the relationship. When is the relationship fun, supportive, comforting? Second, acknowledge what challenges your relationship faces. When does the relationship devolve into negativity, competitiveness, blame, shame, etc.? Finally, make a pledge that you will seek to avoid that which makes your relationship undesirable. Ask your friend to do the same. And pledge that you will hold each other accountable to the pledge against these undesirables. If either of you can't agree to the contract or don't uphold the agreement, it's time to move on. Give yourself permission to do this: Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally by our friends, or else the "friendship" is just another bully rat in our cage.

Intentional Fathering Lecture at Mosaic Coffeehouse on Sept. 30

Postpartum Support International of Washington presents an evening with psychotherapist Derek Trlica, MA, LMHC on intentional fathering at Mosaic Coffeehouse on Sept. 30. Burning questions to be answered include: What kind of father would I like to be? How do other dads do it? What might stop me from being a good father?

Here are the deets: Mosaic Coffeehouse is located at 4401 2nd Ave. NE. in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle. The lecture is scheduled for Sept. 30, 7:00-8:30 p.m. A $5 donation is suggested to benefit PSI of WA. RSVP to 1-888-404-7763 or heidikossnobel@comcast.com.

When the "Baby Blues" Strikes Dads

Sex therapist and relationship counselor Ian Kerner, PhD recently wrote about his own experience of depression after the birth of his first son in this article. He very astutely points out that for him, as well as for many new dads experiencing depression, he turned to the liquor cabinet as way of coping. Alcohol, being a depressant itself, further exacerbates depressive symptoms.

Kerner also lists other warning signs to look out for if a new dad you know seems to be struggling to cope with the transition to parenthood, including: changes in libido, putting up a good front, isolating himself, difficulties sleeping (even when feeling tired), family history of depression, or self-medicating. I would also note that the term "self-medicating" often refers to drugs or alcohol, but in some men, could also mean food, internet, or pornography.

Un-rutting Your Inner Rat

Poor rats. They are subjected to all kinds of torture: electric shocks, cohabitation with "bullying" rats, simulated drowning and so on. And for what purpose? So they might most closely resemble ourselves at our most stressed out. Sheesh!

Thanks to our rat friends, scientists in Portugal have studied these "stressed out" rats and found that after four weeks of living under these conditions, the ordinarily clever rats were stuck in a rut: unable to innovate when faced with ordinarily solvable problems. Happily, as this New York Times article points out about the study, the rats showed marked improvement after four weeks of rat "vacation". With even a short break from stress, the rats were able to return to their formerly cunning problem-solving selves.

So what can we take away from this rat study? For one, when we are at our most stressed out, we tend to try the same strategies to solve a problem, and when it doesn't work, we do more of it without success, until we could caught up in an unending loop of amplifying anxiety.

The next time we find ourselves in one of these stress ruts, we would do well to recall those stressed out rats. Instead of trying to solve the "maze" we're in, why not set the maze aside for awhile, put up our feet, read a good book, take a nap, do nothing. Or at the very least, take a break from the "bully rats" in our lives. (I, for one, am going to stop racking my brain trying to figure out how scientists developed "bully rats" to begin with!)